


a un amigo lo perdono (pero a tí te amo)

by diazevan



Series: spanish songs belong to buddie! [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I think?, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22469446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan
Summary: He can’t deny there is a moment when everything is perfect and Buck almost presses harder until there is a strong push against his chest. It quickly left him unbalanced and one look at Eddie is anything that he needs to know that he had committed the biggest mistake of his life.He needs to get out. Right now.orSometimes, timing is everything.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: spanish songs belong to buddie! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616716
Comments: 62
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/gifts), [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/gifts).



> I'M SO SORRY IN ADVANCES FOR THIS. As always, this came from a discord talk and here I come.  
> Some important things before reading: There was never anything regarding street fighting here, just the lawsuit.

Buck has no idea how he could have fucked things so bad, yet here they were. 

To be fair, he knew how and it made him want to punch his head against the wall, over and over again. One minute they are both doing the dishes and he remembers there was a joke somewhere in there and the next, Buck can’t hold himself any longer. He is not sure how, but he moves forward until they are so close that their whole bodies are flushed together and it’s so easy to press his lips against his best friend’s. He can’t deny there is a moment when everything is perfect and Buck almost presses harder until there is a strong push against his chest. It quickly left him unbalanced and one look at Eddie is anything that he needs to know that he had committed the biggest mistake of his life. 

He needs to get out. Right now. 

“Evan, _please_ ” The sound of his name on Eddie’s voice makes him stop in his tracks, turning around to see him standing in the door of the kitchen. There are so many emotions on his face, that Buck is not entirely sure he could understand them even if wasn’t working on autopilot. “I…” He looks so conflicted that Buck wants to shake him until he can find the words to send him to hell. “Stay. Just for tonight. I won’t… Just for tonight, please” 

If he was a stronger man, if he loved himself a little bit more, he would have said no. 

Buck wants nothing but keep moving towards the door, to close it and go home to find some kind of sense into whatever that his life is now, that he is not allowed to be in love with Eddie, but the other man looks so upset that he can’t do anything but nod. It doesn’t make any sense that’s being asked to stay, but he knows his limits and his best friend in distress would always make him do whatever Eddie wants to. 

They stay in silence for a couple of seconds, staring at each other, but Buck can’t hold it anymore. He always thought that getting your heart broken would _hurt_ and it does, but it’s so much more than that. His whole body feels tired, like he had a double shift, so it’s easy to move towards the couch. There is no need to wonder if Eddie is following him, mostly because he can hear him moving in perfect sync with him and because at this point, Buck is not sure if it’s what he wants. And fuck, isn’t that a testament of how fucked up things are? Eddie’s presence had always being so calming, grounding, and now the only thing that causes him it’s so much pain.

Someone should give him a medal for not running straight to Christopher’s room, for not holding him tight against his chest until he could feel his own heart beating again. 

Has he lost Chris _again_? 

The only thought is enough to make him sit on the floor, back against the couch and press his hands against eyes. How could he be this stupid? This irresponsible? He had promised Christopher that he would always be with him and now, there he was again, doing something reckless that will push them apart. 

“Buck, please don’t cry” He doesn’t realize there are actual sobs coming out of him until Eddie points it out and he tries to take a deep breath, tries to calm himself but this is all too much. 

“I kissed you” His voice is broken and he sees how Eddie flinches when hears it. “I kissed you and you pushed me away like I had done the most horrible thing in the world” The words come out of his mouth as he takes his hands out of his face completely. Eddie is seated beside him on the floor, but there is so much space between them, more than ever has been. 

Eddie looks like he is bracing himself to speak, so Buck waits, even when every second feels like a stab to the chest. “I… I’m not ready Buck. I’m not ready for this” Speaking seems to be physically hurting. “Everything just happened and with the lawsuit..You told them about Shannon and Christopher, Buck and I…”

“You put tape above my name!” He knows he has raised his voice, but he is desperate. This wasn’t supposed to happen, and Eddie needs to _understand_ why he did it. 

“This is not a competition!” Eddie’s own voice is higher now, but he seems better in controlling himself. Buck really wished he could do the same. “I’m just so angry” At him. Eddie is angry _at him_. “And I’m trying to forgive you, I’m working on it, but I’m just not ready” 

He wants to ask if he really is trying, if this is the best he can do to let go of the whole lawsuit situation, but Eddie is not done and really, how many more ways he can find to break his heart?

“But I love you, man. I love you so much.” And Buck wants to believe him, because being loved by Eddie was everything he ever wanted, but it’s hard, especially when he keeps so much distance between them. How can Buck even try to believe those words are true, when the other man had rejected him so clearly? “I love you enough to know that you deserve so much more than this” 

“But I don’t want more” He doesn’t care that he sounds like a child, too emotional and on the edge of breaking apart, “I want you and Christopher. I want you both in every way I can” 

“I can’t hurt someone else I love, Buck. I can’t… “It’s clear to him now that this is about Eddie and his ghost. _His_ ghost. If he tries hard enough, Buck can see Shannon sitting beside them, in the empty space. “I _won’t_ ” 

There is a moment where Buck doesn’t really know what to say, but as soon as his mouth opens, he can’t say he is surprised by what comes out of it “Please don’t take Christopher away from me” 

“What? Buck..:” He should move away as soon as Eddie’s hand touches his shoulder, but before he can process it, he is already leaning his cheek against it. It’s warm, like always. “I would never take him away from you. I promise” 

“I can’t lose him again, Eddie. I…” 

“I know, I know” And he seems to really know, because he brings him into his chest, pressing a quick kiss to his temple. Buck feels himself melt into his arm and even if he had the energy, he is so scared that he would never move away. 

Eddie is safe. And Eddie is _home_. And no one can blame him for enjoying it one last time. 

++

Eddie’s eyes follow his every movement as he moves away from the floor and puts his jacket. At this point, there is a numbness on his bones that Buck knows won’t be able to shake for a while, so it’s better if Christopher doesn’t see him when he wakes up. 

“I will see you at work” The fact that Eddie can say that, that he can even speak, makes Buck want to throw up. Does he really think nothing has changed last night? That later, when they were on a shift together, Buck will pass his arm around him like nothing? _Everything_ has changed. He doesn’t feel the softness and understanding that he had yesterday and maybe it’s his brain finally catching on what happened, but no matter what it is, he needs to put as much distance as he can between him and Eddie. 

“I’ll talk with Carla about when I can stop by to see Christopher” He is almost at the door when he says so. 

It’s not what Eddie expected, it would seem, for the way he stands from the floor. “So what? You are just gonna ignore me now? Pass messages with other people?” And he knows Eddie and it’s so easy to recognize how scared he is, but there is no more patience in Buck’s body. Heartbreak had never been kind to him and it wasn’t going to start now. 

WIthout looking back, Buck opens the door of the house, letting a deep breath. “You choose this, Eddie” He can’t move his eyes to him or all his resolution will be lost in a second. If space and time was what Eddie needed, that was what he was gonna get. “But you don’t get to choose how I deal with it” 

Buck just couldn’t promise he would still be there when he figured his shit out. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know this was gonna have more parts until this morning SO DON'T LOOK AT ME.

Things don’t get better. In fact, they go worse quickly.

They don’t work well together anymore. Buck is too focused in ignoring Eddie that they can’t communicate when they are on the fire, what ends up being a problem that Bobby has to fix rather quickly. They stop being partnered and now Chimey is a constant presence between Buck’s side and well, if he leans into him, breaths a little easier with him close by, no one can’t blame him for stealing the little comfort he can find.

After that, the only thing that links him to Eddie is Christopher.

True to his words, he and Carla work a schedule where he can pick Christopher from school and that kid doesn’t have to suffer from the stupid mistakes that the adults make. At least that’s what Buck thinks and Eddie must think something in similar manners, because he doesn’t go back to his word and let the kid spend as much time as possible with Buck, not putting any resistance. 

They manage to make a system and for a couple of weeks, it works. 

* * *

“Christopher’s school called” The whole team becomes silent in a second and Buck doesn’t have to look up to know Eddie is talking to him and only him. It may be the first time that he does it so directly since everything went to shit and it doesn’t fail to break his heart again, if there was still any piece left standing. Yet, the mention of Christopher is enough for him to put a brave face and settle his eyes on the man that was his partner, just until last week.

He is beautiful, just like always.

And now he has Buck’s attention, he keeps talking. “They need us to go talk with his teacher. Both of us”

That’s not what he was waiting for, not at all, considering he had just talked with the teacher yesterday when he picked up Christopher from school, but he manages to give a short nod with his head. “Send me the details and I’ll tell Cap '' Neither of them acknowledge that Bobby is right there, because neither of them move his eyes away from each other. It feels almost like a challenge, to see who is gonna surrender first, but there is a couple of seconds when nothing happens. 

Buck feels stupid, but he is not going to waste an opportunity of looking into Eddie’s eyes, not when they had been his home and hold everything he loved. He is a weak man and he can’t deny his mind to play tricks on him, not when it tells him that Eddie is looking at him with the same wishfulness he feels. 

He doesn’t know if it’s a curse or a miracle when the alarm sounds, and everything goes back to their new normal. 

* * *

“We understand this may be a difficult time for you” The teacher looks like she truly means it, and Buck doesn’t understand what is happening, apart from how hard is to sit beside Eddie in such a small space. In the station, there is plenty of space to move but now here, with nothing to set his mind on that is not Eddie’s presence or the teacher, it’s almost suffocating. “But we just want to talk to you about the sort of assistance we give to the kids whose parents are separating” 

And that is… _A lot_ in one sentence.

The fact that the school is under the assumption that there was something between them is nothing new, but a topic that neither of them had decided to correct, mostly out of convenience. They both get to go to more school things that way and until now, it wasn’t something important. It never passed by his head that this would be something they needed to talk about now. 

He knows he must follow Eddie’s lead on this, so he turns to look at him, and is met with his profile, full of guilt. There is no part of his body that doesn’t want to reach for the other man, to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but he is well aware that is not his place anymore. That it never was, if he was honest with himself. 

“Is he having trouble?” Buck knows him enough to feel the trepidation in his voice and he feels his own chest constrict uncomfortable as he turns to the teacher, that is already shaking her head. 

“Christopher is an incredible kid and he is not presenting any conduct that is out of normal, but we almost try to make sure that he is adjusting to changes in the best way possible. That’s why we would like him to have weekly sessions with our psychologist, just to make sure he is doing okay” He can’t help but close his fits in his lap, because really, he has no right to add things to Christopher’s plate. He is not his father, not his family, not anything that…

“If Buck is alright with it, I think it would be good” 

Eddie’s words shut his head immediately and without being able to hold himself, he turns to look at the other man, shook written all over his face. Eddie must have being waiting for it, because his eyes had that patient light that was only reserved for him and Christopher. 

It’s not fair, that Eddie is able to keep making him fall in love with him, over and over again. 

“I… I think it would be good too” 

Neither of them mention how he really didn’t have to ask Buck for permission about it, or even his opinion; or how it’s a given that he is gonna come back home and do as much research he can to help in any way possible. They don’t mention anything, keep hearing reassuring words from the teacher and nodding along when it’s needed. 

When the meeting is over, Buck is almost running to his car, trying to put as much distance between himself and Eddie. 

It still hurts when no one tries to stop him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY.  
> Song inspiration: Mi historia entre tus dedos by Gianluca Grignani  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4X6uzK91Gw


End file.
